dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
