Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
