How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
