have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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