They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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