Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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