you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
