If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Randomize