The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
