Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
