This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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