Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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