it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
