are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
