I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
