I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
