I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
