If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
