I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
