Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
