thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
