i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
