that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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