:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize