Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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