My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
