Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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