dude i'm inner monologue high
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
