The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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