Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
