Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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