I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
