I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I skipped work to stalk him.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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