I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
