shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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