I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
