i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
