i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
