I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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