so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
