bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
