Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
