In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
