Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
