I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
