never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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