piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
