I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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