I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize