Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
