i jhust puked up my retainher.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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