Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I am midnight drunk by noon
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
