when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
