I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
