I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
