If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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