those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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