If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize