Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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