she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My ass is underappreciated
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
