I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
