Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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