i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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