so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
