I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
