So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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